"Everything you've ever wanted is on the other side of fear," -George Addair
Duly noted, quote. You have already seen past this facade of a blog post.
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| senior photos done by Shailey Heuermann |
Anyway, I went on a college visit to SCAD - Savannah College of Art and Design, a.k.a. my dream school, this past weekend.
Arguably, it wasn't a great experience because the whole day moved alarmingly fast and I was so overwhelmed by 2:30pm that I cried in a photography room for about twenty minutes.
However, I had already done lots of research about SCAD, and my heart was already set on the writing degree. Not because of anything else, but just because of the versatility of the classes and the degree itself. I had also already sought the Lord on this, if this was the college I was supposed to pursue, which was a resounding yes.
The purpose of this trip was to more satiate myself, to assure me in my decision and to make me feel more comfortable in Atlanta. And, in retrospect, it did.
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| follow maddie on instagram @madd.lo |
I'm so excited that I'm going to have my longtime friend, Maddie and her family in the same city as me. It gives me great comfort that in a few years we'll live in a shitty apartment together with a cat eating Ramen on the floor. Not only that, I'll have Cydney and Justen, my cousin and her husband, to fall back onto, because they know the city like the backs of their hands.
However, it sure as hell didn't feel like the right choice during the SCADDay. It sure as hell didn't feel like the right choice while I was crying in that photography room. It still didn't feel like the right choice even the evening after. I was only feeling more scared and more overwhelmed and honestly a little discouraged. Fear, doubt, and unbelief: all attacks from the enemy.
It wasn't until the next day that it began to feel more right. My assuredness in this decision only grows by the day. I can see myself flourishing down in Atlanta, not only creatively but spiritually, which maybe is more important.
Despite this, the fear is also even more confirmation. At all of the other college visits I've been to, I've felt a lot of things, but fear wasn't one of this. The fear, in this case, means that this decision is bigger than me, that this decision is God.
But. There's always a catch. With all of this crystal-eyed wonder comes the crippling monster of the artist's self doubt.
To preface: I'm not sure some people understand how driven I am to be a writer. More importantly, I'm not sure some people understand how willing I am to live in a box for my dream.
But being on the cusp of life comes with its own set of issues. I've started to regret things. What if I regret making writing my career? I'm constantly plagued with not feeling good enough. Not that I'm not good, just not good enough. What if I'm not good enough to actually make it, despite my ambition? What if I just can't do it?
I don't think I can stress enough at how crippling this phenomenon is. It eats up every single shred of pride - albeit well deserved - I have in my work: art and writing. It depletes my faith in God and in His promises. I'm unable to take compliments, and criticism knocks me off my feet. It takes a torch to any inspiration and creativity I had left.
For the first time in my life, I really have to consider who I am, and what I want to do, and what that means for the rest of my life. It has become real.
Suddenly, passion projects are being judged to see whether I get scholarships or not. Suddenly, my life's work is available to everyone's well-meaning criticism. Suddenly, I'm saturated in the world of maybe I'm not so special, maybe there are thousands of other teen writers who are millions of times better than me. Suddenly, I have to move forward into territory I don't know.
And that terrifies me.
Which is why I've chosen SCAD. It terrifies me the most, among other reasons.
In Atlanta, I talked with the writing department head, and she told me "we don't believe in the 'starving artist' here", and that gave me hope. The SCAD writing degree will allow me to write and make money, which I'm willing to do. I'm willing to work writing anything, as long as I'm writing. I cannot see myself happy at any other college, in any other occupation.
So, writing it is.
Writing's what it's always been.
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Have I been accepted? No, I've just now started the application process. But I don't think it will be a problem. I believe that none of this - college, my life, any of it - will be a problem. I'm trusting that if it is a problem, then God's got it under control. Sound weird? It is.
But since when have I been one to be like everyone else?
My success doesn't come from me. It doesn't come from you. It comes from God.
~The WordShaker
