A List of Doubts for Future Me

"The pain taught me how to write, and the writing taught me how to heal," -Harman Kaur

I had massive doubts concerning A Cactus In the Valley, but look where we are now? But I didn't write them down, mostly because I probably didn't give them the time of day or didn't want to verbalize them.

But now that I'm struggling through a new novel - and messing with the slog of scholarship applications and college stuff, I wish I had written down those times I felt awful, doubtful, useless. 

So, for future Olivia. Either when I'm looking back with rose colored glasses, or writing a new novel or pursuing a career and wish to find solace in knowing that these were just feelings, and that they've all passed I've done it before, so I can do it again. 

So. For future me, yeah. 

And totally not because I'm feeling like a shitty writer at the moment. 

~

1. My characters will always be underdeveloped, my writing always floundering, my plot always incomplete. 

That my characters will never become as alive as Terra or Wyatt, or as any of my other characters from any of my other stories. That what I'm aiming for in my writing will never stick. It seems to be such a monstrous, insurmountable task that I'll never complete. 

3. My story will never be good enough for my standards, much less for anyone else to read. 

No matter how much I work on it, it will never be perfect. And I'll never be happy with it. Which breaks my heart, because I have such a deep love for my other stories, but I have yet to fall deeply, endlessly, ferociously in love with this story. And I want to be so in love with this story, but I'm not yet. 

4. This isn't the novel I should be writing. 

I'm scared that I should be working on other projects, namely a few novellas and a trilogy that I had cooked up. I'm scared that the story itself isn't ready yet, that it's too underdeveloped for me to jump right in. 

5. My story will never stick. 

I'm so worried that no matter what, I'll never be able to work on my story to a place where I believe the story, to where I feel the story. To where it makes me laugh and cry. To where the characters jump off the page and I can't bear to do anything else. Where I'm never uninspired. 

6. I'm not actually a good writer - just good compared to the people around me.

This is a big one. Because what if I get to SCAD and find that, amongst the great, I'm only okay. What if I'm not scholarship worthy? What if I'm not bestseller good? I guess I've put all my eggs in one basket. 

~

All in all, a part of me knows that these doubts will subside and that I will come to accept and love my story, and to push through and finish. 

But right now, I just have to write and write and self-loathe and pray that everything will be ironed out. 

The only reason I know this is because that's what happened with My Life, Your Life, and Other Dumb Things, and A Cactus In The Valley.

I just wish I had written it down. 

~The WordShaker