A List of Doubts for Future Me

"The pain taught me how to write, and the writing taught me how to heal," -Harman Kaur

I had massive doubts concerning A Cactus In the Valley, but look where we are now? But I didn't write them down, mostly because I probably didn't give them the time of day or didn't want to verbalize them.

But now that I'm struggling through a new novel - and messing with the slog of scholarship applications and college stuff, I wish I had written down those times I felt awful, doubtful, useless. 

So, for future Olivia. Either when I'm looking back with rose colored glasses, or writing a new novel or pursuing a career and wish to find solace in knowing that these were just feelings, and that they've all passed I've done it before, so I can do it again. 

So. For future me, yeah. 

And totally not because I'm feeling like a shitty writer at the moment. 

~

1. My characters will always be underdeveloped, my writing always floundering, my plot always incomplete. 

That my characters will never become as alive as Terra or Wyatt, or as any of my other characters from any of my other stories. That what I'm aiming for in my writing will never stick. It seems to be such a monstrous, insurmountable task that I'll never complete. 

3. My story will never be good enough for my standards, much less for anyone else to read. 

No matter how much I work on it, it will never be perfect. And I'll never be happy with it. Which breaks my heart, because I have such a deep love for my other stories, but I have yet to fall deeply, endlessly, ferociously in love with this story. And I want to be so in love with this story, but I'm not yet. 

4. This isn't the novel I should be writing. 

I'm scared that I should be working on other projects, namely a few novellas and a trilogy that I had cooked up. I'm scared that the story itself isn't ready yet, that it's too underdeveloped for me to jump right in. 

5. My story will never stick. 

I'm so worried that no matter what, I'll never be able to work on my story to a place where I believe the story, to where I feel the story. To where it makes me laugh and cry. To where the characters jump off the page and I can't bear to do anything else. Where I'm never uninspired. 

6. I'm not actually a good writer - just good compared to the people around me.

This is a big one. Because what if I get to SCAD and find that, amongst the great, I'm only okay. What if I'm not scholarship worthy? What if I'm not bestseller good? I guess I've put all my eggs in one basket. 

~

All in all, a part of me knows that these doubts will subside and that I will come to accept and love my story, and to push through and finish. 

But right now, I just have to write and write and self-loathe and pray that everything will be ironed out. 

The only reason I know this is because that's what happened with My Life, Your Life, and Other Dumb Things, and A Cactus In The Valley.

I just wish I had written it down. 

~The WordShaker

NEW STORY: A Panther In the Snow | #OliviaJisPublished

"I am aware of being in a beautiful prison, from which I can only escape by writing," -Anais Nin

First off, thank you to everyone for purchasing my book! I have about 25 copies left, so buy them before they're gone. My novel is also available on Amazon, but why pay tax and shipping and wait 3 business days, when you could have it for a flat rate of $14?

Anyway, yes, I've already started on a new project. What else do you expect me to do with my time?

If you've substantially started or finished A Cactus In the Valley, then this will make more sense and you can highly anticipate this next installment. Regardless, my newest project is a novella about some of the minor characters in ACITV. 

It's going to be a novella because I've projected that it's going to be about half the size of A Cactus In the Valley. ACITV  is about 103,000 words, however, I'm about halfway done with A Panther In the Snow, and it's only 22,000 words. 

Now, onto what it's actually about, since that's the meat of this post anyway. Here's the back cover blurb I've dreamed up: 

The companion novella to A Cactus In the Valley, A Panther in the Snow follows Harper Holmes, Nick Lombardi, and Lilly Murphy-Hartman as they grapple with the loss of Terra and Wyatt. Through their pain, they connect by creating a memorial video of the two lost teens, and find that they have their own struggles amidst their shared loss. 

Told through Harper's poignant and witty narration, A Panther In the Snow takes a glimpse into what goes on in Wyatt and Terra's families during the events of A Cactus In the Valley. 

Harper Holmes is Terra's lifelong best friend, and Nick is obviously her brother. Lilly Murphy-Hartman is Wyatt's beloved half-sister. As stated above, this novella is about what happens in the aftermath of the crash, and how the families handle it. Harper takes center stage, along with Nick and Lilly as they mourn and push some of their own boundaries. 

tentative cover

Beware, though. If you loved the emotional and intricate style of ACITV, then take note that this is substantially different. Not only because it's a drastically different story surrounding a drastically different character, but also because I wanted to experiment and write in a whole nother style to push myself. 

My dilemma now is - do I publish it? Part of me wants a nice beautiful copy right next to ACITV, but I'm not sure if I want to spread it so widely, or even make it canonical with the world. I'm writing this story not to write the story, but so Harper Holmes' voice will get out of my head. ;)

I still will be taking beta reader requests - just email me! Only requirement is to like reading and have already read A Cactus  In the Valley. 

Excuse the rambles, <3

~The WordShaker

#OLIVIAJISPUBLISHED | Life Announcement

"Any good writer is going to be well-received and also not be well-received; that's how you know you're a great writer," -Karrine Steffans

Is this even a life announcement at this point? You must have been living under a rock if you haven't heard about #OliviaJisPublished!  Read about A Cactus In the Valley here!

follow me on instagram @olivia.j.the.wordshaker

But yes, my novel is published and is now available for purchase!

It is available for in-person purchase September 10th, and then on Amazon subsequently - link coming soon!

ESSENTIAL INFORMATION: 

Release Date: September 10th, 2017Price: $13.99

Disclaimer: this book is self-published, and even though I've had many people proofread this book, it's still not perfect, and I guess I have to be okay that it's never going to be perfect. 

So, this is it, I guess. I'm beyond excited to share this book with you guys, and truthfully, I'm glad to be done with this process and this story as a whole. 

I love you all, and I appreciate every single person who purchases my book, even if you don't read it because I understand that not everyone is a reader. But I appreciate it still, because it means you still want to support me in my journey, in my passions, and, ultimately, in my career choice. 

Even though my book is now out, I won't stop talking about #OliviaJisPublished, just so I can still get the word out, and because I might have more to say. 

Conclusively, I am forever grateful and am unbelievably excited. This truly has been a labor of love, and I hope it pays off. 

~The WordShaker

Some Thoughts Before Ending the #OliviaJisPublished Journey...

"Writers are desperate people, and when they stop being desperate, they stop being writers," -Charles Bukowski

I'm not sure why I'm attempting on amassing my thoughts this late in the game. I suppose because now, it's become real. 

25/75 copies. 

But what I can concur is that I'm afraid.  I'm afraid of what people will think when they read it. I'm afraid that the story won't come off the way I intended it to. 

I'm scared because I think I've lost sight of why I'm doing this in the first place. I'm scared because I know this story will never be perfect, and I hate that. 

I'm worried about leaving this story behind. It was such an integral part of my high school career, and I suppose, by finishing this off, I'm putting the period on high school too. I have to move on, to other projects. 

On the flip side, this has been a massive learning experience. Now I know that I can publish a book! I know I can do it, not for others, but for myself. I had to do pretty much everything by myself, and, since I'm going into this career field, I ought to know this sooner or later. I'm eternally grateful for this opportunity and this amazing - yet gruelingly difficult - journey.

But, in the end, thank you, Sonoran desert, for giving me a place to blossom, and thank you, Terra and Wyatt, for helping me find myself. 

Not sure what else to say. I'm humbled and scared all at the same time. All glory be to Christ. 

~The WordShaker

The Man On the Rock | Short Story

"My time is best used by making art, not worrying about whether it's good or bad."

For the love of God, words can't express how I feel. But I suppose I can try, in the most cryptic and creative way possible, as per usual. 

~

The railroad tracks stink with that twinge of metal. The spaces between the trees hold my heart. 

My hands, they ache and crack with overuse. At the places where my heart rests in between the branches, rain falls. 

Cold and aching, the water drenches me. I hold my brother even if he doesn't want me to, because I know he needs it. 

The rain falls but the sun shines. A conglomeration of stars I'll never begin to understand. 

For every step I take, the rails peel further and further apart. The sun is lined with iron and the clouds silver. 

I cast a line made of my own veins. Off a bridge made of iron and oak, the water swallows the green and yellow land. 

Slivers of fish swim by, far below. My spine grinds beneath my armor made of tissue paper skin. 

Brushing it's comforting fingers over my face, the air meanders past, warm and sweet. For a moment, I can't breathe. 

Sorrow dances on the wind like ribbons. I toss a red one down into the white water. 

It moves and bends and forms along with the current. A depth rises in my bones, from the metal below. 

Along comes a yellow light and a steaming engine, plowing through the sun and rain and greenery. Things of little meaning flutter off the trees. 

For another moment, I can't breathe. The air presses against me, and the sun, the iron god, explodes in a million different rays that make everything look so damn beautiful. 

The hot, metal rails move further and further apart, ripping apart a great divide. I jump, and for a fleeting moment, I believe I'm flying with all the other leaves and butterflies and birds. 

Four timeless moments, I feel. Four timeless moments, I become. 

Four timeless moments shed off of me like the jacket flying behind me. 

From under the water, the rain makes coin sized stalactites. The in between space, that place, is the place I can feel. 

The train shudders through the forest, across the bridge. Fish wrap their way around my submerged body, in ribbons of silver. 

For a moment, I can't breathe. The sun, the sky, everything glitters like diamond and solid gold. 

The current pushes me along, across the slick rocks and the souls in the river. I suppose this is where the ducks go when the pond freezes over. 

Frightful, I emerge from the water. The golden sun touches everything, blessing it with threads of the brightest yellow. 

Beyond the rapids is a waterfall, where the trees bow before the man on a rock. The man on the rock tells me to jump, and again I feel strange. 

And again, four timeless moments, I feel. Four timeless moments, I become. 

Four timeless moments shed off of me like the water droplets that crystalize into gold. 

Old and haggard, the man tells me to swim to the bottom of the lake. A deep and murky darkness stretches out below my feet. 

I tell him that he's crazy, that I'll drown. And he tells me that he knows already. 

Inflating the tired balloons in my chest, I dive. The water cuts through me and I believe for just a moment that I'm flying again. 

Through the darkness, through the blind mud, an emerald that shines like a star unfolds before my eyes. I reach out and a soft light begins to flood me, begins to flood the whole lake.

Like flaking rust off of iron railroad tracks, this jewel becomes my armor, becomes my flesh and blood and the cloak I wear. The water has those divets of raindrops on its surface once again. 

The man on the rock smiles at me, but it's only now that I realize he has become a part of the rock, a part of the lake. The moss and algae leave behind streaks on my fingers. 

Still, the scent of wet metal travels through the sweet air. I wave goodbye to the man on the rock, and face the expanse of trees before me.

Leaving my fishing pole behind, I suppose I should try and find a way back up the hill, to the railroad tracks. My brother is still up there, and he needs to find the waterfall as well. 

~

Well. I have no idea what the hell that was. If someone wants to tell me what they think it means, that would be great. 

~The WordShaker

How We Learn Better From Bad Stories | Writing Advice

"Being a writer requires intoxication with language," -Jim Harrison

I have a strange hypothesis, that everyone should watch bad or subpar movies, read subpar books, etc. because we can learn about stories so much better that way. 

Now hear me out, because the popular dialogue says otherwise. By consuming good media and identifying why it's good, then our creations will become better, right?

Wrong. 

See, everything we create is tainted with our emotional connection to it, so we can't see it in full clarity. And we can unsuccessfully emulate something we like in our art. 

But if we cut out everything that's bad, everything that we can identify in subpar fiction, then that can vastly improve our writing. 

To prove my point, I recently watched The Space Between Us with my friend, and it was okay. It had its moments of brilliance, and, inevitably, it had its missteps. Spoilers, duh. 

But by watching a movie like this, I was able to look at it critically and better see what it did right and what it did wrong. 

When we read okay books and watch okay fiction, the bad stuff seems to pop out, as does the good stuff. For example, the origins of the relationship between Gardner (Asa Butterfield) and Tulsa (Britt Robertson) are never established, so there is a delay in which the audience connects to their relationship. 

The focus was also a little off. A significant amount of time is spent with the adults in the movie, namely Gardner's father and his mother figure, Kendra, when it should have been focused more on the romance between Tulsa and Gardner. I say this only because this was how the movie was marketed, and it seemed to be the overarching theme of the movie as well. 

But The Space Between Us also does some things well. It's aesthetically beautiful and has some poignant lines. It has a lot of potential in its concept and characters, but it barely scratches the surface with Gardner and Tulsa, who had the beginnings of enthralling and deep characters. 

Seeing the potential in an "okay" story is inspiring to the writer, scriptwriter, filmmaker, storyteller. By seeing what doesn't work and why - and, by default, seeing what does work - allows us to apply it to our own stories. 

So, go watch that 3/5 star rated movie, and read that book you know you probably won't like. It will help you in the long run. 

~The WordShaker

Guest Post: In Defence of Ghostwriting by Amy L. Sauder

When I discovered Olivia’s reservations about ghostwriting in the world, we agreed to share our thoughts. I think ghostwriting has a place in the literary universe, and here’s why:

Why to consider hiring a ghostwriter:

*Actual image of a ghostwriter*

In my class “Do You Have a Book in You?” I don’t coddle. I don’t say, “You have a story to tell, so you have a book in you.” You may have a book in you, but there’s more than just “having a story to tell” involved in that.

And for some people, they have a story to tell, but they don’t have a book in them. They don’t have a passion for the writing, they have a passion for the message, the story. Those people would be wise to at least take a moment to consider a ghostwriter.

Consider this:

- If writing isn’t your dream, are you willing to devote time and energy to writing a book instead of devoting that time and energy to your actual dream?

 - Since you likely aren’t trained in writing since it’s not your passion, are you willing to sacrifice quality in getting your book out there – sacrificing the number of readers and the impact of the message?

 -Alternatively, can you devote the adequate time, effort, and income to receive the training necessary to clearly communicate the story you want to tell with the quality it deserves?

 -If you do choose to devote time, energy, and income towards receiving training on writing, are you willing to chance diluting the passion of the message with the obligatory monotony of a medium you aren’t passionate about working in?

There are options other than hiring a ghostwriter of course: Telling your message in a medium you *are* passionate about, but that’s a whole nother blogpost – or actually, it’s a 30-minute online course you can take for free ;)

If you look at those questions and decide, “Yes, I must have a book out there, but no, I can’t write it.”

Then instead of devoting time and energy to writing a book, instead devote some finances to hiring a ghostwriter.

What makes ghostwriters the bomb-diggety:

Ghostwriters aren’t quite ghosts, sadly. But they’re still more or less supernatural in their capabilities!

They’re like the undercover secret agents of the writing world. The trained, the elite, the you-never- saw-it-coming – the ghostwriters.   

-Us regular writers take years of writing to find our own voice

-Ghostwriters are shapeshifters, finding the unique voice of each person they are writing for.

 -Us regular writers mostly write something we’re passionate about

-Ghostwriters use a magical spell to transfer your passion into their words. Your passion is infectious and as it seeps into them, topics or stories the ghostwriter may have never been passionate about are suddenly passionately written!

 -Us regular writers might be considered semi-narcissistic – speaking of myself here mostly ;) They devote their life to making their dreams come true.

-Ghostwriters are fairy godmothers, passionate about devoting their lives to making others dreams come true. How cool is that! 

-Us regular writers are clumsy and walk into doors and walls and lampposts

-Ghostwriters are also clumsy, but at least they float right through the objects. Or wait, is that just ghosts?

Why readers should care about ghostwriting:

Readers should be ecstatic to support the existence of ghostwriters. Not only do ghosts make for great stories, but *ghostwriters* make for great stories. More quality stories will exist for readers when non-writers choose one of these three options:

 1)  share their story in a medium they’re skilled and passionate in

 2)  have the passion and take time to gain the skill of writing before putting the story out there

 3)  hire a ghostwriter to marry their passion and knowledge of the content with the ghostwriter’s passion and skill for writing

The problem with ghostwriting:

Now here’s the horrid part about ghostwriters – as awesome as they are, they don’t get the credit. Hit the NYT bestsellers list, win the Pulitzer prize, get a movie deal – everyone applauds the author (the person who hired the ghostwriter.) The ghostwriter is, well, ghosted. They generally can’t even say they wrote it, because they *officially* didn’t.

*Also actual image of a ghostwriter*

So why does the person who hired the ghostwriter get to be the author? Why do they get credit?

Ideas are a dime a dozen. Scratch that. Ideas don’t cost a thing, in fact, us writers can’t turn them off. So no, a ghostwriter likely isn’t needing the idea from the author, that’s not what makes the book. But what we call the author, the person who hired the ghostwriter, they contribute much more than the idea.

I get why the person called the “author” is, in fact, the author. It’s their brainchild, their knowledge, their story, their platform, their audience, their marketing, their voice, and their passion.

The ghostwriter alone generally wouldn’t have all those things to get the book out there as a successful book, certainly not as the book it actually is. If the ghostwriter alone wrote the book, maybe it would miss the knowledge of the topic or the direct experience with the story. Maybe if the ghostwriter alone wrote the book, it wouldn’t reach as large an audience. Maybe if the ghostwriter alone wrote the book, it wouldn’t have that unique voice, style, or tone. Maybe it would just lack passion.

So on that note, mad props to the author for making all this happen!

How to fix the discrepancy:

I get it. The author deserves a lot of credit for making this book happen. And also, the ghostwriter deserves a lot of credit for making this book happen. It takes two. It most definitely takes great skill for a ghostwriter to take all the author has to offer and turn it into a quality book. And it most definitely takes the author to make the book happen in the first place.

Here’s my proposal, the main thing I’d change about the concept of ghostwriting to give proper credit:

On any ghostwritten book, have the front cover say “Written by [name of supernatural ghostwriter person], Directed by [name of the person who had the vision to make the book happen]”. We already do this for movies: listing actors, directors, producers, and all myriad of workers in the credits. Just do that for books with ghostwriters too – give them some credit for their kickbutt magical powers

  

What do you think?

 What say you? Do you think ghostwriters as an entity should just be called “authors”? Or do you think ghostwriters have their place in the literary universe hidden behind the scenes? Share your thoughts in the comments, check out Olivia’s counter-argument on my site, and join the convo!

~

Amy L Sauder has been called both “Quirky Meta Mystery” and “Walking Fairytale,” and she can’t decide which is the highest compliment.

Since gaining her English Lit degree, she has studied creative writing and dabbled in other arts she probably has no business dabbling in. Amy strongly believes that in some parallel universe her clumsy self has figured out how to be a trapeze artist. In any universe, she’s also passionate about mac 'n' cheese and red hair, but that’s beside the point.

You can follow her creative journey at amylsauder.wordpress.com, from the “Once Upon” to the “Ever After” and every point in between.

You can also find her on social media:

Facebook:  facebook.com/amylsauder

Twitter:   @amylsauder

~

Thank you, Amy, for collaborating with me! This discussion is nowhere near over, and we'd love to hear your thoughts. Don't forget to check out my strongly worded thoughts on her blog!

amylsauder.wordpress.com/2017/06/16/guest-post-how-ghostwriting-is-hurting-the-book-world

~The WordShaker

Some Thoughts on Logan, Amongst my Tears.

"There are many reasons to write that have nothing to do with being published. It allows us to work through some of life's hardest knocks - loss, grief, illness, addiction, disappointment, failure - and to find understanding and solace in it," -William Zinsser

*LOGAN SPOILERS, duh*

I haven't cried this hard over fictional characters in YEARS. Last time was when I finished Lost for the second time. 

If you don't believe me, you should have checked my Snapchat story that night. 

 sc: hootowltree

All great things must come to an end, and I think that's why I'm so sad. 

But, truly, this movie is a masterpiece. I don't see how anyone couldn't have sobbed when this movie ended. This movie was an absolute masterpiece, a perfect closer to an epic anti-hero.

My only gripe is that they didn't spend enough time on Charles's death. He is the title character of the X-Men series. If they had slipped only five minutes more of emotional tenderness concerning his death, then I would have been fine. His death was so sudden, that there wasn't enough time for the audience to process this. 

The only reason it took me out of the movie is because we see how much Logan cares for Charles, and when there's not enough time to see him mourn, it feels disrespectful and inappropriate. 


Logan develops character and has tender, nuanced, emotional moments without being sappy or deterring the plot. Everything germinates organically, and, like Logan himself, we don't realize how attached we are until the end, until it's too late, until it's over. 

Logan's death was . . . it had me speechless. Everything in the X-Men series, his three movies, had been building to was this. The emotional journey Logan takes is phenomenal. He's forced to face his mortality, his past, and his future with subtle clarity. 

I found it akin to Charlie Pace's death in Lost. The reason it was so touching and heartbreaking is because truthfully, we all saw it coming, and it completed his character arc. Logan finally made peace with himself, was redeemed, and found his purpose. Through Laura, Logan finds himself again, sees life through her eyes, finds love and tenderness in his hardened heart, and does what all parents are supposed to do: forge a better life for their children. It harkens back to the whole series and brings it to a close in the most Wolverine way possible. 

His death was perfect. Laura breaking down, crying, burying him, was even more perfect. It was just perfect.

I can't bear to even describe it to you. You just have to go and see it for yourself. 

This movie is a masterpiece not only because it is beautiful, flawlessly executed, masterfully directed, perfectly acted, and marvelously scored, but because it made me feel something. I cried for a solid 20 minutes during and after the movie. Now, as I'm writing this, I am numb because it was just that good. 

This was truly a fantastic story. Not a fantastic superhero movie, not a fantastic action story, but a great story in its own right, following a character we've come to adore. 

After the last shot closed, after the credits rolled, after everyone left, I just sat in my seat in the theater, sobbing. This story reached me in ways I will never be able to voice in the trillions of combinations of the English letters.

Because everything it was building to, was over.  I love the character of Wolverine - he's my favorite superhero. And to see it all end like this breaks my heart and fills it at the same time. The emotions I was feeling, the way it connected with me, is what it's all about.

~

I truly aspire to be as great as this. I aspire to tell stories that change people, that tug at their heartstrings. That make them think and feel and understand themselves and the world around them. 

I aspire to teach others these stories, and to teach them how to create ones like these, of their own. 

Because stories reach us in ways that nothing else can. 

And that's a fact, Jack.

~The WordShaker