I'm not a Disney princess - I'm a Katniss.

"We write to taste life twice," -Anais Nin

Storytime, my wonderful readers.

 Last night, I went to go see PCHS's production of Beauty and the Beast and my dearest friend, Lauren, was cast as Belle.  Belle was always her favorite princess. They share so much in common, from being a daydreaming bookworm to an odd pariah. Her dreams came true when she was cast in this part. 

However, I was viciously jealous. Why was Lauren getting all the accolades in drama?  What did I do wrong?  Was I that bad?  Awful, selfish thoughts ran through my head. I was jealous because she got the lead, while I didn't even get cast in the spring play (I got to be the student director though). But still, this wasn't enough for me because I so desperately wanted to act. 

I tried my best to be happy for her, and truthfully, the good part of me was. I was overjoyed that she got what she wanted and was able to pursue her dreams, because I love her. But still, I felt less than, just a spectator watching a prima donna blossom. 

On the way to the show, I was talking about this with my mom. I was sharing my frustrations, and while she told me that I was getting accolades in other areas such as art and writing, nothing could make me feel better. Because I couldn't be the princess. 

However, she then said something that resonated deeply with me: 

"You see, you're not a 'Disney princess', you're a 'Katniss'."

 At first, I was like BUT I WANNA BE A PRINCESS, MOM! However, not a second later, I realized what she meant, and that it perfectly described me, that I related to it in ways that I could never relate to any Disney Princess. 

I am not a pretty little girl - I am a warrior. 

I don't wear dresses - I wear combat boots. 

I am not supple and passive - I am resilient. 

I am not pure - I am perfectly flawed. 

I am not innocent - I am wise. 

I am not a damsel in distress - I am strong, despite my gender.  

I am nothing that a Disney princess is - I am everything that a brave, outspoken, viscerally real, and complex  'Katniss' character is. 

And I'm finally realizing that, despite my childhood dreams and jealousy, I'm not a princess. I could never be a princess.

 I am so much more. 

andinnowayisthisabashonprincesses, okistillloveyoulauren

~The WordShaker

Fear and Being a Writer

"If a nation loses its storytellers, it loses its childhood," -Peter Handke

Now that I'm eyebrow deep in editing - don't even get me started on how awful it is - I realize something that I've always held within me.  Every writer has it - the rationally irrational fear that their novel won't be perfect.  That we can edit and edit and edit but it will never be what we want, like clay drying out to an unmovable state.

I am finding this fear to be viscerally real. With a 100,000 word novel, I find that there are so many components and trashed ideas and ideas in the making and bad things and good things that it will always be this swirling whirlwind.

But not only in terms of the writer, that it will always be stressful and frustrating to us, but that our worst nightmares will come true. That everything we've poured our heart and soul into won't be perfect.  Then it won't translate to the reader. And then we have failed.

This week, we had to do a speech on fear, and I spoke about the fear of oblivion. That I will never live a full enough life.  That I missed it.  That I missed another gem that this life had to offer. And this is what I fear so deeply about my writing.  Not that I will never get published or that people will hate my book or that I'll never make money off of it, but that my readers will have missed the point of the story.

And I pray that no matter how verbose my writing, how Swiss-cheesy my plots, how foil thin my characters, that why I'm writing shines through anyways. That the never-ending message of Christ shows through and wipes away any impurities and strikes the heart of my reader.  Because if it does that, then I have succeeded in ways beyond any words.

As always, keep writing my word-shakers,

~The WordShaker

Part 1.4: You Were Born for This - Blog Journal of "Writing In the Glory"

"For we are God's masterpiece.  He has created us anew is Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago." -Ephesians 2:10 (NLT)

Phew.  Sorry it's been so long since I've done one of these, but it's just been crazy lately and I've been posting some prewritten posts. 

I might be a little rusty. I've been working on my 'main hoe' novel, A Cactus In the Valley, however, this series is focused around my novel about a school shooting. 

1. What were some of your dreams and desires as a child? 

While my 'dreams' in terms of what I wanted to be have changed, the core value remains the same.  I don't want to be ordinary. I always knew that I want meant to do something more.  Something greater.

When I was a child, I never focused on my career. I just focused on what I wanted to do, what I wanted to be. I had wonderful parents who fostered the music inside of me, and let it play. Whatever I wanted to pursue, they let me, they supported me.  And of course, I had phases.  I wanted to be a figure skater for point-five seconds. But they stuck with the belief and faith that God had placed a gift inside of me, and that it was their job to sift through and search and bring it out in me.  

And I thank them tenfold for this. 

2. How have you seen God's hand in your life, weaving desires from long ago into your present situations? 

My favorite question :). Every once in a while, I will go back and read through old dreams I have had, and listen to tapes of the Good Ol' Christ The King days of people prophesying over me, and I am more and more amazed of how these things are coming true in my life now. Specifically, I remember many people telling me that I was going to be a servant leader. And this is what I'm doing now, in high school.  I am planting seeds of hope in a barren wasteland, preparing the way of the Lord in the hearts of the next generation. 

Not only that, I receive confirmation frequently that this is where I'm supposed to be - despite how much I despise it. I was heavily rejected at PCS, the school I went to from K-6th grade. They never understood my artistic creativity and passionate love.  They rejected my writing, which was blossoming in fifth grade. I became more and more uncomfortable in the tight mold that PCS was trying to shove me in. And halfway through sixth grade, I was convinced that I was supposed to go to public school. Not only was this being prayed about by my parents, but God placed the desire in me to go out there and explode into the woman of God I am today. 

Heh, I could talk about this subject for days. But all that really matters is how I feel right know, being secure and knowing that God's hand is moving in my life, that it's not all happenstance and that there is some meaning to this crazy world we find ourselves in. 

~

Then, it instructs to reflect and repeat a prayer. Following, is a self-discussion starter about releasing the message, etc.  Most of what this is should come out in the passage I write. 

Truly, the largest thing that's come out of me reading and studying along with this book is that this school shooting story needs to happen.  No matter how fetus it is in it's conception, no matter how underdeveloped or weak, it needs to be told.  And it will get there by the inspiration and grace of God. 

But God, I'm afraid. I'm afraid that the world will push back just as hard as I push it. I'm afraid that I'll never reach my goals, that I'll never get my work out there, that I'll be stuck in a dead end job with a life I hate. 

But my dreams are among the stars and my hopes high. I am destined for greatness, and called to love.  Anything else that happens is just a stone on the path of life that You have laid in front of me. 

All praise and glory be to Jesus Christ, to whom I owe my all. 

~The WordShaker

The Spirit of St. Louis - Adam Young Composer Album Review 3

"There is no wrong or right. Just write," -Unknown

For some odd reason, every month I worry that the album's not going to strike with me.

And then, Adam always pulls through and makes another gem. The emotions always translate beautifully, and the interesting thing about these albums is they make you want to go research the event, and be immersed into the story.

This month's score is about The Spirit of St. Louis - read and listen here.

Artwork by James R. Eads

1. Takeoff

Magically epic, the full strings and pounding drums will make any land-lover's heart soar.

2. Nova Scotia

The broad symphony portrays the anticipation and the fresh-facedness of Lindbergh, with the flutes telling of the impending adventure.

3. Over Water

Ethereal and deep and reminiscent of last month's score, this score of strings makes the listener feel that our journey has truly begun.

4. Stars Appear

Magical and innocent, with soft pianos and chimes, this track gives the intensity of traveling mixed with the beauty of the solemn, clear sky.

5. The Thunderhead

Peacefully anxious, this song cries with the symphony of strings, drums and piano on a grandeur scale of an ocean storm.

6. Ice On Wings

Calm and mysterious and bringing on more of the electronic side, the coolness of the strings and pads brings the flutter of panic of seeing those blue crystals on the wings.

7. The Fog

Beautifully harmonic and dissonant, this track builds seamlessly to create the picture of Lindbergh persevering through and seeing the beauty of it all.

8. Fighting To Stay Awake

Technologically unique with pulsing synths, the ethereal piano sweeps you off your feet to where you can feel the heaviness falling over you . . . .

9. Land Ahead

But land is ahead! With perky strings and a dark sound giving us perseverance, the track and it's flutes bring a breath of fresh air as the green flush of land approaches.

10. Wheels Down

Magnificently triumphant, the glowing symphony swells with the imaginative and determined Spirit of St. Louis in the closing track.

~

Like always, a ten out of ten for me. Keep doing your thing, Adam, and I'll keep buying your music.

Stay gold,

~The WordShaker

The Big, Big Month of April

"All you have to do is put one word after another, and remember how great it feels to be a writer," - Stephanie Lennox

As if I'm not busy enough, I have take on two huge writing projects.  Since the Creative Writing Club will be off my shoulders because it's poetry month, I have just a smidgen of extra time. 

And I'm going to be spending that time posting on my Instagram, @olivia.j.the.wordshaker 

#authorlifemonth is a trend that's been around for a few months now, but, for fun, I'm going to dedicate my page to this challenge for the month of April. 

Yet another project I'll be taking on is something that should be familliar to most writers - NaNoWriMo, except for in April. This is what is known as Camp NaNoWriMo, and is something that the corporation puts on two months aside from November dedicated to speed-writing a novel. 

And, since my beta-readers are hard at work at critiquing my novel, I don't have much to do at this point. So, I've had this idea of a 'sundown trilogy' floating around in my head for a while, so I thought, WHY NOT, OLIVIA. IT'S NOT LIKE YOU HAVE A LIFE. 

Heh. 

Well, I'll keep updating you all on how this, along with #authorlifemonth is going. 

~The WordShaker